The longing to experience Glastonbury, bucket lists, and how music festival tempted us dearly got it all started. My friend and I realized we both had a dormant dream – to dance and jump around with our shirts sticking to our skin in a music festival. And boy did it happen.
Back then, I wanted the full music festival experience, no doubt. Yet I also wanted to survive it with my bodies (and wallets) intact. Fuji Rock’s lineup seemed awesome, but it was also going to be held in Niigata, a bullet train and thousands of rupiahs away from the nearest airport, at a ski resort, where you sleep inside a tent for three days with no hope for a shower. Take it slow, I reminded myself, I don’t think I’m ready for Fuji Rock just yet. And that was when I found Summer Sonic line up for 2016 (I MEAN HELLO RADIOHEAD, WEEZER, THE OFFSPRING, AND BABYMETAL!).
Summer Sonic was the best decision I’ve made in 2016 that I’d take over and over and over again in a heartbeat.
Peace. Love. Unity. Respect. Music festivals has been known as a great place to be completely yourself and not have to worry about judgement. I was there to prove it right.
After 27 years of living, I finally decided to go to Summer Sonic music festival in Osaka for the first time, and it was the BEST decision I made in 2016. I met people I never normally would, listened to the sweet melodies of music I had never heard before and made golden memories I’ll keep with me for the rest of my life.
It was a hard job lighting up the night sky while everyone else was sleeping.
One day the moon took up singing in order to pass the time. It sang songs about loneliness and sadness. Then it sang songs about love and loss.
A passing cloud heard the moon’s melancholy songs and stopped to give a listen. The moon’s song touched him so deeply that he began to weep, which of course formed rain. The rain washed over the bushes of roses causing one single-stemmed rose to feel refreshed and new.
“That feels good,” the rose said to the cloud. “Thank you.”
“Thank the moon,” the cloud replied. “Her sad songs made me cry. And every time I cry I feel lighter,” the cloud said as he floated away.
There are many times in life where fear becomes a mighty fortress in my life, holding me captive though I want to break free. I never was one to possess a great deal of bravery. I was afraid of many things; darkness, loneliness, or being abandoned, cages, numbness, and even more afraid of having no means to control what was happening in my life.
If something upset my little world, I wanted to fix it, and fix it damn fast. If something upset a loved one’s world, I wanted to fix it as well.
If I could do nothing to control the storms in my life, fear came in and swept over me, capturing me in iron-clad talons. A cage I am very scared of.
A few years ago, I first became aware of what was being called “agitated depression.” It was my own most challenging struggles and the first ring of hell with clinical depression. It took me so much closer to the fire of self-hating/loathing, the desire to do yourself harm, and thoughts of suicide. The agitated piece is the anxiety and panic attacks.
Once I was clinically diagnosed with anxiety, I started to pop anti-depressants every morning with a breakfast I could barely stomach. I had to leave some lives I’d wanted because of my stress. Depression took a lot from me, but the most tragic thing is the way I could not bring it up to anyone. I told almost no one about what has been going on just because I didn’t have the courage to. I battled it on my own everyday, until I degradingly distanced my self with my friends and families.
Now this doesn’t mean that I have been depressed for my entire life, that isn’t how it works. It simply means that for as long as I can remember, I have experienced periods of depression of varying lengths. And that for as long as I can remember, I’ve lived in fear of those times.
It began as a humblebrag and an excuse. It meant, “I am using an expensive mobile device to send this email, so please don’t judge my spelling errors, lack of punctuation, or clipped sentences.”
Yes, I am talking about email signatures.
These signatures, automatically generated, would not have been an auspicious place to look for creativity or wry humour. And yet, it seems like every other day I come across someone who has crafted a little message that says and does a lot more than beg forgiveness and flaunt status.
I want to end hunger. I want world peace. I want to go space traveling. I want to get drunk and get lost in the city that no one knows my name. I want to go for a walk to the park and sleep and just looking at the sky while listening to the humming voice from the stranger next to me.
I wish the world didn’t move so fast. I wish we had the patience to listen to one another for once, to actually listen instead of gazing blankly at walls and nodding and not caring very much at all.
We are so busy trying to live lives consumed by other people’s ideals and expectations that we forget what makes us happy.